The Joebot

For those of you who don't know me, I really enjoy my sleep. There's nothing quite like laying in a warm bed not doing a damn thing. So, naturally, you can imagine the amount of displeasure I had when I was rudely awakened by a loud crash followed by an unearthly scream.

Don't get the wrong idea though, this sort of thing is a normal daily occurrence in my house and I've grown to ignore the extra strength pain-in-the-ass my siblings dish out, but the walls, proven to be immovable objects by the many meetings we've had over the years, were shaking like mad. Still I lay there trying my hardest to drown out the sound. I wake for no man. An alarm clock to the face, however, I have trouble saying “smurf off” to.

I sat up and opened my eyes to see my brother, Joe, standing in what used to be my doorway, now a gaping hole in the wall, readying himself to throw my T.V. at me next.”Brothah!” I called out dramatically.

“Brothah!” he replied melodramatically.

He stood there a while, staring intently at me, possibly weighing the decision he was making. Then he threw the T.V. and I braced myself for impact. Seconds seemed like hours, hours, if it had taken that long, quite possibly could have felt like years, then I felt the T.V.'s corner collide with my skull and my life flashed before my eyes. I made peace with God right then and there and... it bounced harmlessly off my cranium and landed in my lap. My portable television was damaged a little but I was alive. I was alive!

I sat up in my bed, ready to follow and question my brother, but then I noticed my Carmen Electra poster clinging helplessly by one corner to the wall. Fear took its hold on me. I reached out for her but she fell before I could rescue her. The object of my adolescent affection, the poster of the woman I kinda, sorta loved, my precious Carmen, lay face down on the discarded pizza box and empty soda can cluttered floor, presumably dead. I dunno, I just kind of left after that.

I marched down the hallway after him. There could only be one reason for this attack, Joe was a robot imposter. A... a... a Joebot! I knew in my heart that this day would come. Too many times at the breakfast table I would catch him asking for an extra helping of eggs. Pure evil! Oh... sometimes he would say stuff like “Death to humans!” or use the word “Meatbag” in a derogatory manner too. I guess that's an important story element.

I reached the stairs and descended them three at a time. Joebot was already in the kitchen when I reached the last step. I ran after him, grabbed his shoulder, and spun him around, forcing him to face me. I immediately regretted that decision as his hand shot up to my throat. He lifted me off the ground and tossed me into the refrigerator. Since I was already there, and I hadn't eaten anything all day, I decided to make myself a sandwich. “You can't fight rogue robot brothers on an empty stomach”, so the famous quote by Plato goes.

Fully charged and rearin' to go, I picked up a nearby chair, raised it over my head... and gently set it down near him, prompting him to sit. Men should talk out their differences. It was quickly made apparent to me, though, by his malicious glowing red eyes that he was indeed not a man, so I shouted my manliest battle cry, “MO-OOOOOM! Joe's a robot!”, and ran to find a safe place to hide. Unluckily for me most of the house had already been destroyed by the Joebot and all my good hiding spots were now little more than rubble.

I tried running from the menacing bro-bot but he quickly moved to block my path. I shouted a few quick insults at him, ones I don't care to repeat 'cause there might be women reading this (hey ladies), and began throwing household appliances at him. Everything I threw at him just bounced off harmlessly. Desperate, I looked around the kitchen for anything else that may have been useful. My eyes fell upon the shiny new toaster lying next to the freshly dented refrigerator. Scrambling over to it I snatched it up and waved it menacingly at my brother. He took a step back at the sight of the mighty toaster. Seeing the opening I wrapped the cord around my fist and swung the metallic block high above my head in a circle. “You're toast!” I shouted comically, throwing the toaster forward with all my strength.

(Click for full picture. This new template doesn't like the big'ns.)

Just before it found its mark the very fabric of space and time shattered, broken by the horrible pun I made. Cats moved in with dogs, physics changed its name to whatsits, and a tree fell in the forest... we still don't really know if it made a sound or not.

“And that's why I don't have my homework from last night, Mrs. Harridan.” Eric smiled sheepishly. The teacher looked him over inquisitively, opened her mouth to say something, then thought better of it and walked off, rolling her eyes.

Fin~